just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize