rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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