I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
