Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
