Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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