I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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