He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
