Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
