youre lurking in front of me
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
We named our party play list daddy issues
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
