words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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