Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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