How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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