I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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