Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
