her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
