I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
