I cockslap morals
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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