I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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