Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
