Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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