He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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