dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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