im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
