I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
