ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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