so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
