She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
