You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
