Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
