I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
