When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize