now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
