its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
