Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
