I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
