im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
