He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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