Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
