And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
