I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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