I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
