i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
