Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
