every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
