I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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