Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
