I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
