why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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