Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
