i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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