I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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