I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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