Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
