Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
