why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
